THE TRUTH ABOUT DRUGS
It’s a rainy Sunday Morning when Harry, Larry and Gary walk out of the brothel they spent the night in. Harry is checking his pockets “just making sure no skanky whore has stolen my money again” he explains as he opens his wallet and flicks through his massive amounts of cash. “Just because they are prostitutes does not mean they are thieves” Gary angrily explains “Sorry” Harry insists “I forgot your mom was one” Gary applauds “that’s funny” he says “my mom is not a prostitute” he adds as he checks his pockets “those are just rumours and lies made up by people that hate her” he adds again while still checking his pockets.
“Like the police and local newspapers?” Larry asks. Gary looks at Larry “shut the fuck up” Gary demands.
“Shit” Gary moans while still searching his pockets “what?” Harry asks “the bitches stole my fucking wallet” he moans. Harry laughs “Just because they are prostitutes does not mean they are thieves” he mimics.
Gary storms off back to the house and knocks the door, after a couple of seconds he knocks again louder he sees somebody coming. “I want to talk to Gloria” he insists “she’s busy” a woman with a badge calling her fallen angel explains “I think she stole my wallet” Gary adds. Fallen Angel looks at Gary wait she should be ready to see you in twenty minutes.
Gary has a flash back of the night he remembers Gloria perform oral sex on him “man she was fit shame she is a thief” he thinks to himself. After waiting for twenty five minutes fallen angel walks up to Gary and tells him “Gloria is ready to see you now” “thank you” Gary calmly says as he walks to her room.
Gary walks up to her room and the door is shut, he has very little memory of the night he spent with Gloria as alcohol and a mixture of other drugs were in full effect at the time.
Gary knocks her door “come in” she answers” Gary walks in and sees Gloria standing naked, he screams with a huge freight when he notices she has a penis. “What, you no like?” Gloria asks “you liked it last night” she adds. Gary looks confused when they hear a huge bang.
“Fuck, it’s the police” Gloria shouts Gary panics “shit I cannot get caught up in this shit” he says as he hides in the changing rooms. Much to his despair Gloria still naked follows him.
The police walk into Gloria bedroom as Gary and Gloria hide in a tiny changing room. Gary panics and decides he should give himself up instead of causing a bigger scene and getting himself in to more trouble. “Don’t do it” Gloria begs him as Gary gets ready to step out and face the consequence of his actions “it’s for the best” Gary says in a heroic tone as he opens the door.
He steps out shouting at the top of his voice “hold your fire” but ends up scaring one of the police officers who instantly fire a taser gun at him.
The taser causes Gary to jolt around in an electric shock type of reaction, he falls to the floor “fuck” he mutters the police come to his aid “I shit myself” he adds, he police officers take a step away from.
An hour later and Gary is ready to answer questions to the police “this is the most embarrassing day of my life” he insists. “Why was you here?” one of the police officers ask “I come to collect my wallet” Gary explains “she stolen it” he adds “you mean Dave stolen it?” the police officer replies “I thought her name was Gloria” Gary explains “well it’s not his name is Dave, Dave O’Leary” the police officer explains.
Gary is humiliated “about your wallet” the police officer adds, Gary looks up “yes?” he asks “Dave told us that you rolled it up in to a tube and inserted up your own bottom while dancing around the room” the officer informs him.
“What? That’s preposterous” Gary claims.
Twenty minutes later and Gary is being released “do you have your wallet?” the police officer asks “yes, I found it” Gary answers embarrassed as he could be“I have got to stop doing drugs” Gary thinks to himself.
Harry returns home and sneaks in to his house trying to make sure he does not wake up his new wife and baby. He falls through the window of his mansion making a lot of noise to his amazement he has not woke anybody up. He quickly tidies up his mess and lies on the settee, he looks at the time its 6 am. At 9 am he feels somebody looking at him, he opens his eyes “where were you last night?” his wife asks “playing cards at Gary’s” he answers.
His wife looks suspicious “what about the night before that?” his wife asks. Harry looks confused “you’ve been gone for three days” his wife shouts at “and your friend was arrested at a brothel” she adds as she throws yesterday’s newspaper at him.
Harry reads the paper and laughs “this is brilliant, classic stuff” he exclaims. “I sent one of my daddy’s servants to follow you” his wife informs him with a smile.
Harry stops laughing “you did what?” he asks in amazement.
“You went to a strip club” Harry looks confused “ok” he adds that’s not too bad he thinks to himself. “You went to a strip club and stalked some pretty girls who flickered her eyelids at you about seven months ago” Harry interrupts “me and Gem are just friends” he explains, but his thoughts run Gem he thinks of her “her beauty is something to behold, I can’t control my feelings for her no more” runs through his.
“Facebook friends?” his wife asks “I found her on your friend’s lists if you got any friends left” she adds. Harry looks confused “what do you mean, what have you done?” he asks.
Harry logs in to Facebook and instantly notices he has tons of messages and notifications. He notices he is tagged in a video he presses play.
It’s Harry on his knees begging Gem “please Gem I love you, please run away with me” Harry looks at his wife and says “but Clare, I love you” in the background the video carries on “I hate my wife but I love her wealth, I want her wealth for me and you” Harry looks at his wife and smiles.
“Thank God that’s over” Harry thinks to himself “there’s more” his wife angrily tells him.
Harry looks around the massive room, he don’t see his wife anywhere, he quickly sneaks out of the room and into the passage “looks like I will have to be much more careful when I am trying to get my hands on that disgusting old hags money” he mutters to himself “what did you just call me?” he hears his wife respond “fuck” he shouts before covering his mouth and quickly running out of the house.
He sits outside on the door step for twenty minutes before re-entering the house.
He walks into the living room where the video is still playing “how fucking long is this shit” he asks as he looks at the screen “three fucking hours” he gasps, he begins to watch the video “it’s nothing to embarrassing” he says to himself as he watches himself lying on the floor outside a shop window. He watches himself stand up and start walking.
“I bet I go somewhere smart and sophisticated now” he says to himself as he watches himself on the monitor.
He walks to the park where he sits on the bench “just watching the ducks you see, he says to himself when he notices himself slowly putting his hand to his pocket. He pulls out a knife and attacks a duck with it cutting its head off. He watches as he laughs hysterically and smears blood all over his face “what the fuck am I doing” he says to himself as he watches pluck the duck barbecue it and eat it.
He stands up and looks at himself in the mirror “I have to stop doing drugs” he cries.
After a drunken and drug fuelled night out with his friends Larry decides to go to bed. Larry is tired so he falls to sleep the second his head touches the pillow.
Not long in to his sleep he is woken by the sound of somebody in the room with him. He sees a female figure dancing towards him, he get excited despite the fact the darkness covered her face.
She gets in to bed with him and friend follows as Larry makes love to both of them until the early hours in the morning.
Next morning wakes up and thinks to himself “good night last night was, I had a few drinks and kept it sensible” he can see only the back of their heads. “I wonder who the two lucky ladies are?” he thinks to himself.
“It could be Rachel she’s fit as fuck” he thinks, he rolls around to grab his phone.
Larry decides he should stay in bed for another couple of hours when both of the women get up out of bed at the same time.
Larry is surprised as they both walk around the bed and join at the far side. They are just about to leave when Larry shouts “who are you” they both turn at the same time “why it’s Brenda and Shelly” was of the voices say as they reveal their old wrinkled faces, yellow teeth and gaunt eyes.
Larry looks with no fright and disgust he attempts to stay calm “I will call you” he says politely “I bet you will” Shelly answers before laughing and high pitched laugh that reminded Larry of a witch.
Larry hides under his bed covers where he thinks about what just happened.
“That’s terrible” Larry says to himself “but at least I am at home, in bed and nobody knows what happened” he thinks. That’s when he noticed he is not at home in bed and people do know what happened as he looks up and sees a huge crowd watching him, couple of people are even filming him. A guard approaches him “can you please leave the premises immediately” he demands “yes, I will” says Larry as he gets out of bed and looks around enough to notice he was on a display bed at a furniture store.
As Larry is walking home he begins to think “that was a pretty fucked up night, I got to get an aids test” he thinks to himself.
The a few days later Larry is walking to rehab meeting, he has decided he is going to be clean of drugs “no more drugs for me” he declares to himself.
He walks in to his local community hall only to see Larry and Gary “oh fucking hell” he says as he spots the “after your performance’s I would have put money on you being here” he adds. “How’s Dave?” he asks Gary “you found your wallet?” he adds.
Gary looks on the floor in shame until he notices Harry laughing “what you laughing at” he asks, Harry stops laughing “Gem, I love you” he mimics “I saw the video” he adds. And the duck at the end “what the fuck man, just go to Tesco or something” Larry adds.
“Look at how many people are here” Gary says “yeah there are millions of pathetic losers in the world” Harry adds. Gary looks at Harry and says but you’re here, Harry laughs “yeah but that because of my stupid fucking slut of a wife and her demands but you’re here too” Gary thinks about it, “you calling me a loser?” he asks when Larry steps in “now, now ladies” he calmly says “this shit is about to start he adds.
As they sit and listen to people tell their stories the bickering stops until Harry whispers “you shit yourself again?” at Gary, he looks angry and quietly tells them to shut up.
“How’s Gloria?” Larry asks, Gary is getting more angry by the second “Dave” Harry corrects. Larry and Harry begin to laugh “can you stop talking about male prostitutes that pretend to be female prostitutes and trick unsuspecting victims like me” he shouts loudly “it’s embarrassing the less people that know the better” he adds.
“Yeah like that time that you….” Gary shrugs Larry with his elbow in an attempt to shut him up “….were caught locked up with male two strippers” he continues “shut up” Gary says but still Larry continues “they tried to charge you with kidnapping and sexual assault, didn’t they? Larry looks up at Gary and notices that everybody there is watching them.
Gary stands up “they did not try to charge me with sexual assault” he explains “much of the information that you have just received is false and presented by an idiot” he adds. The crowd silently watch him.
Gary sits down hugely embarrassed by Larry and Harry are laughing “you guys are a fucking joke” he declares “I really don’t belong here” he adds arrogantly.
After sitting in silence for five minutes, Gary is asked to tell everybody why he is at this meeting “are you going to tell them about the male prostitute?” Larry asks “shut the fuck up” Gary angrily answers back.
“I’m here because I have an addiction” Gary claims “to male prostitutes” Harry whispers loud enough for Gary to hear “not to male prostitutes” he explains “but to drugs” he adds.
“You do like male prostitutes a lot though?” Larry asks, Gary looks at the crowd “I did have an incident recently that lead to me ultimately being cautioned for soliciting sex with a prostitute” Gary declares “a male prostitute” Larry adds Gary looks at Larry “Yes a fucking male prostitute” he adds, Larry smiles “frankly I don’t want to talk about it, the less people that know the better” he declares.
Its Harry’s turn to speak “what’s on your mind why are you here today?” the group leader asks “should prostitutes be allowed children?” he asks the group leader looks confused, “is your mom a prostitute?” he asks. Harry looks at the floor and answer “no, oh gosh of course not, but my friends mother is” he states “and due to this he has anger and hatred issues” he adds.
Gary stands up “OK, shut up now” he desperately asks. “He bullies people and makes obscene threats, Gary walks up to Harry “if you don’t shut the fuck up I am going to slit your throat” he says as he turns red faced.
The crowd gasp at Gary’s threatening language; Harry sits down and remains silent as Gary is told to sit down and listen.
Harry continues with his story claiming that his owner controls him with ridicule drugs and fear. “Oh shut up you sound like an idiot” Gary responds “now shut the fuck up and I will give you some free coke or carry on talking and I will bash your head in” he adds.
The crowd gasps again and many of them are completely outraged at Gary.
Gary stands up again “I know it looks like I am a male prostitute loving, drug pushing, sociopath but things are not always as they appear” he states.
After Harry has finished giving his story they have a twenty minute coffee break. Gary, Harry and Larry are sitting drinking coffee when a suited man comes up to Harry and hands him cards on how to handle bullies and further meetings on tackling abusive behaviour.
Harry looks at the leaflet “thank you” he says “I am definitely interested in that” he adds Gary rolls his eyes “what the fuck is your problem you stupid fucking prick?” he asks, everybody stops what they are doing and looks at Gary “for fuck sake” he cries before sitting back down.
They sit back around for the meeting the leader looks at Gary and says loudly for all to hear “please remember we are not here to judge we are here to help even if some people” he glances at Gary again before continuing “do appear to just be bullies and please excuse my language but scum, there I said it” he says angrily “fucking scum” he repeats as he looks at Gary again.
Gary sits with his head in his hands and by now just wants to leave. “Has anybody else goy anything else they would like to share with the group” the leader asks.
Larry stands up; Gary looks and rolls his eyes “this should be good” he mutters. Gary looks up and sees the group leader looking at him; he shakes his head at Gary and puts his finger on his lips to signal to Gary to be quite. Gary looks around the room trying to avoid eye contact with the group leader who is now watching Gary intensely.
Larry is standing waiting to talk Gary sits waiting with a look dread in his eyes. He looks at Larry and sees that Larry looks genuinely emotional “I am a bad person” Larry states “I have done things that I am and should be ashamed of” he adds. Gary looks at Harry as Harry simply rolls his eyes.
“I take drugs because I’m depressed, I’m depressed because I take drugs, it’s a vicious cycle” Larry adds. He then begins to tell the story of him sleeping in a display bed with two old, homeless women “the women looked like old meth heads” he cried as he told the audience.
The group leader looks at Larry “we have all done things that we are not proud of” he states calmly. Larry starts sobbing “it gets even worse” he reveals.
“I used to pay one of my best friends mom for sex” he adds as looks at Gary still crying. “I felt guilty so I decided not to visit Gary’s mom anymore but now she keeps posting me leaflets offering me freebies” he adds. He looks at the floor and cries “she’s fucking horrible” he explains in tears. Gary looks at Harry in disbelief “she keeps threatening to tell Gary the truth if I don’t visit her” Larry adds.
Larry looks at Gary and sobs “I’m sorry bro” he says before awkwardly hugging Gary. Gary is again humiliated as everybody at the meeting applauds Larry for his honesty.
“This is the only place people will applaud you for being a dick” Gary angrily mutters as people begin to stand.
Larry smiles “I feel so much better now I have got that of my chest” he says as he sits down next to Gary. Gary looks around and sees he is being watched by everybody so fuming inside he looks at Larry and says “yeah, I’m happy for you.”
The meeting as finished and Larry, Harry and Gary are standing outside the community hall “well that was a complete and utter disaster” Gary snarls as he begins to walk away. “I found it very helpful to get it all off of my chest” Larry argues. Gary walks up to Larry “you are fucking joking” he asks “no, it’s what I needed, didn’t you?” Larry asks.
Gary grabs Larry by the shirt and raises his fist he is just about to punch Larry when he changes his mind and lets Larry go.
Gary storms off angry and humiliated Harry asks “where you going?” as Gary is walking off quickly. Gary turns around “to get some fucking drugs” he shouts before turning around and walking off again. Larry looks at Harry before they both follow.
THE TRUTH ABOUT WORK
Larry, Harry and Gary are at the pub when Gary stands up “I have to go” he announces “and me” Larry adds. Harry looks up “what the fuck is wrong with you two?” he asks. “It’s a bit embarrassing but I’m skint” Gary says quietly, Harry shakes his head “don’t be embarrassed about money mate, that’s silly” he says supportively “you got enough to be embarrassed about with your mom being a whore and you falling in love with a male prostitute” he adds “and he shit himself” Larry contributes. Gary looks around the pub and notices people looking “can you be quite” he angrily says at Larry and Harry “sorry” Harry insists.
Harry begins to think “my daddy has a couple of job openings at his factory” he tells them “would you like me to mention you to him?” he asks “yes please” Gary says excitedly.
Harry walks of and begins making phone calls leaving Larry and Gary talking “do you think he will get us some work?” Larry asks “he might” Gary answers “his dad is loaded” he adds as he watch Harry talking on the phone “inbred as fuck but loaded” he adds again.
After just twenty minutes Harry comes back “I got you both a job interview, tomorrow at ten o clock” he tells Larry and Larry “make sure you dress smartly” he adds.
The next day comes and Larry and Gary are at the factory waiting for their interview to begin. They notice there are three people in the interview room that work for Harry’s dad.
Harry and his father walk past and in to the interview room after five minutes Gary and Larry are called in to the room.
When they enter the room Harry does the introductions “This is Gary Mann and Larry Barnett” he says as everybody shakes hands.
The interview starts Harry’s dad George looks at Larry and Barry and says “we are looking to expand in and around the local area so you will be pleased to know there are numerous job vacancies, we will simply ask you a few questions and take it from there, any question?”
Gary puts his hand up and George looks at him “yes?” he asks “what kind of jobs are going?” Gary asks. George opens his notepad “we have opening in sales, marketing, security” he states “we also need somebody to clean the toilets, but we will save that job for an idiot” he adds as everybody in the room laughs. “The joke wasn’t even that funny, they’re just kissing his arse” Gary thinks to himself.
“I would not mind being in charge of security” Larry announces “I could kick some ass in the name of justice” he adds, Gary rolls his eyes “I fancy myself in sales” he declares “I’m good with people, I think I can handle that” he adds.
The interview continues and is going well until George is called to an emergency “I shouldn’t be long and I am sorry about this” he states before walking off “do you want me to come with you dad?” Harry asks “no thanks” George answers “if I wanted a demented clown follow me around pissing me off I would employ one” he adds.
Before long George walks back in the room “OK Mr Mann and Mr Barnett where were we?” he looks at Gary “Mann, I have heard that name before are you the son of Sally Mann?” Gary looks around the room “yes he answers” George smiles “I used the services of your mom for years” he states proudly.
Gary stands up and throws the desk to his breaking a computer in the process he gets out of his chair and slowly walks over to George “yes my mom was a fucking prostitute” Larry interrupts and states “is a prostitute.”
Gary looks at Larry and then at Harry and then back at George before pulling a pen knife out of his pocket and putting it to George’s throat, the whole room gasps.
George panics and looks to Harry to help, Harry takes a step forward so Gary tightens his grip and pushes the knife against Harry’s father throat; Harry is forced to step back.
“I didn’t know your mom was a prostitute” George announces “she used to clean the factory windows every Tuesday morning” he adds.
Gary takes a step backwards “shit” he gasps as he rushes to pick up the desk. He looks at the computer and notices the screen is broke “I’m sorry about that” Gary says.
George looks up at the mess and then looks at Gary, Harry laughs “they didn’t even know your mom was a raving whore until you just told them” he jokes before his father interrupts him “oh will shut up you pathetic fucking prick” he yells.
Gary looks around the room at the mess and then at George “could this get any more embarrassing?” he jokes “well you could mention your obsession with male prostitutes” Larry answers “Or tell them about the time you thought you lost your wallet and found it….” Larry rambles before Gary steps in “OK thank you Larry” Gary says loudly before facing everybody in the room “I have not got an obsession with male prostitutes” he explains. Gary sees one of the interviewers taking notes “what did you write that down for?” Gary asks the interviewer begins writing again. Gary shakes his head and sits down.
The interview lasts about another ten minutes and despite the disastrous start Gary believes he did not do badly in the end “I think my natural social skills and charm paid off well” he thinks to himself.
He walks out of the interview room proudly “I think I might need to invest in a suit” he tells Larry. Harry is about to follow when his dad calls him back Gary and Larry stop to listen “where do you think you are going?” Harry’s dad asks, Harry thinks about it “probably going to smoke a spliff with the factory lads” Harry answers. “I told your mom you know” George says as he pours a huge shot of whiskey “I said have an abortion” Harry rolls his eyes and goes to walk off.
As he leaves the room George shouts “how’s your lovely wife?” sarcastically, this annoys Harry who slams to door behind.
“You watch prick” he declares to the door “I will kill that ugly fucking bitch and take her fortune then I don’t have to depend on you or that skanky hoe” he adds passionately before turning round to leave.
As he turns round he sees a figure watching him, it takes it a couple of seconds to register that it is in fact his wife. “Hi darling” he politely says “how long you been standing there for?” he asks.
The next day comes and Gary decides he should buy a suit for his new job “I aren’t buying any Matalan shit” he tells Larry who follows with his Matalan bag. Gary walks in to a designer shop and picks up a suit instantly “this one” he tells Larry as he walks to the counter to pay “that will two thousand five hundred pound” he cashier says looking at Gary holding fifty pound in clothing vouchers issued by the jobcentre “what, you are joking” Gary says as he finds another twenty pound note and then a five “I think I should go to Matalan” Gary declares as he walks off.
Gary goes to Matalan to buy a suit after looking around he picks one out and takes it to the counter “that will be forty nine ninety nine please” they cashier says Gary takes out his voucher and looks at it then he has an idea “sorry but I don’t want it” he tells the cashier as he walks out of the store.
Gary walks in to a charity and begins looking at their suits “are you really going to buy a suit from here?” Larry asks “Yes I am and then I will sell my voucher for half price and buy more weed” Gary answers. Larry looks at the vouchers and then at the suits “good idea” he gasps.
Gary picks a seven pound suit out “this is the one” he says showing it to Larry. Gary goes into the changing rooms to try it on when he walks out Larry instantly laughs “you can’t wear that” he cries “why not” Gary asks “it’s smart and respectable” he adds “you look like you have just time travelled from of a nineteen thirties mafia convention” Larry adds “I’m having it” Gary says as he takes it to the counter.
The next day Larry and Gary show up in their suits “what the fuck have you come as?” Harry asks Gary as soon as they walk through the door. Gary ignores Harry’s jokes and walkthrough in to Harry’s dad’s office.
Gary and Larry sit in the office when George finishes making a cup of tea “why have you dressed like that?” George says as he sees they are suited “to show we are keen” Gary answers. George laughs and hands them both a toilet brush and bleach “we have over two hundred and fifty people work here and three sets of toilets and three categorize of toilet Male, Female and disabled so show them toilets how keen you are and clean them”
Gary looks at the toilet brush but then thinks about his rent, food and electric “fucking hell” he cries “you’re lucky I need the money” he adds.
After two hours of working Larry and Gary meet up for a cigarette break “these people are fucking disgusting” Larry moans “you shit too” Gary replies. “I do but I actually shit in the toilet” Larry answers “look” Larry cries “another one, going to the toilet I just fucking cleaned it” Larry adds. They finish their cigarette and go back to work.
The next day comes and Larry and Gary have cleaned all three sets of toilets and they are getting ready to start again “it’s a bit repetitive isn’t it?” Gary says to Larry “I need the money” he adds.
Weeks go by and Larry and Gary are still cleaning toilets “this is like torture” Gary cries “let’s go and have a cigarette” he adds.
They are standing outside just about to light their cigarettes when Larry looks through the window “the stupid fucking bitch” he moans “she waits until I have just cleaned them before she uses them” he adds.
“We should join the union” Larry states “the union of toilet cleaners” Gary asks? “Yeah we should join them” Larry adds “there isn’t one” Gary informs him.
They have now been working for a couple of months when Larry says “I find this shit soul destroying” Gary laughs and says “I need the money” but then he thinks about it “I always need the money” he cries “it don’t matter how much I work I will still be broke, I will never own my own house or even car from cleaning toilets for minimum wage” he adds.
Gary watches as George and Harry walk in the building with two smartly dressed women “them two have the best jobs” he snarls “I mean what will they be doing today? Sitting in a posh restaurant eating nice food talking shit” he answers “and then they will get to their huge mansions and chose where to go on fuckin holiday” he adds angrily.
Larry watches and listens to Gary “fuck this I quit” he says as he rips of his overalls. “I’m going home to smoke a fat spliff, are you coming?” he asks. Gary looks at the factory “I need the money” he insists as he walks back to the factory.
Larry gets home rolls himself a spliff and turns on his computer and sits down playing it for hours when his phone rings, he see its Gary and answers “hows the cleaning up the shit going?” he asks “I fucking hate it” Gary admits “I’m smoking a fat joint” Larry brags “and waiting for your mom to come and suck my cock” he adds. “You better be fucking joking” Gary shouts down the phone “of course I’m joking son” Larry replies.
Gary gets visibly upset “look at you scrounging benefits when I do all this work” he cries, Larry laughs “I know it’s funny isn’t it” he answers “I’m at work cleaning toilets while you sit at home smoking weed, playing computer fuckin my mom” Gary moans. “Who’s the fool?” Larry asks, Gary hangs up “he’ll be back when he runs out of weed” he tells himself. Larry laughs when his knocks “come in” he says Gary’s mom enters his house.
Gary looks in the mirror “fuck Larry” he says to his reflection “I pay my own way in this world like a man, I have respect” he tells himself. Harry rushes through the door and on the toilet “what the fuck are you doing?” Gary asks, Harry shits “I ate something bad last night” he explains as he walks out leaving the toilet in a mess. Gary looks “you going to flush?” he asks “I don’t need to flush” Harry answers as he washes his hands “I got my little bitch like you to clean my shit” he adds.
Harry rushes out leaving Gary to clean up, he turns around to look in the toilet but the sight and the smell makes him throw up all over the floor “oh fucking hell, now look at the mess I have to tidy” he cries when three suited men walk in to the toilet. One of them walks to the clean toilet the other two walk straight over to the mirrors, Gary is about to warn them to watch the puddle of vomit when they both slip on it.
They attempt to stand up but they slip again one them throws up adding to the already huge puddle of sick. “What the fuck is going on the suiting man on the toilets shouts as he runs out followed by his colleagues who are both covered in puke “are you going to leave all that for me to clean” Gary asks as all three of them rush away “fucking hell” he adds.
After a terrible day at work Gary is walking home when he walks past Larry’s house he sees his TV is on and he has three women in the house with him. Larry opens the door and sees its Gary “shit, don’t mention your mom to the bitches” Larry whispers being careful that nobody hears him. “Oh you don’t want to talk about my mom today” Gary answers “any other time that all you want to talk about” he adds.
Gary walks in the room and all three of the women start moaning “he smells like shit and sick” the blonde one states “yeah he smells like he looks” the brunette adds. “I have been cleaning toilets all day” Gary explains “that is like so gross” the blonde lady says “do not touch me” she adds.
“I think it would be best if Gary left” he states all three women agree “Sorry mate” Larry says as Gary stands up and walks to the door. One of the women rush to the kitchen and then rushes back out and begins to clean the seat Gary was sat in.
“I deserve respect” Gary demands as he stands by the door. Everybody in the room looks at him “I have been working to make sure that people like you can claim your benefits” he says proudly “I deserve a medal” he declares.
“I will have a shower and come back?” Gary asks desperately, Larry turns around and looks at the women “errr, he creeps me out” the blonde one says “I find him ugly and repulsive” the brunette adds “sorry mate” Larry says as he shuts the door.
Gary walks off muttering to himself “Why would I want to hang around with you low life benefit scrounging pricks anyway?” he puts his hands in his pocket and takes out his cash “I got nearly a grand on me for my working and saving” he brags.
As he gets to his house he sees two suited people standing outside “can I help” he asks one of them walk up to him “are you Gary Mann?” he asks “I am” Gary answers “we’re bailiffs sent here by a county court, you owe us seven hundred and twenty pound” Gary puts his hands in his pocket and counts out his money.
The bailiffs leave so Gary enters the house he attempts to turn the light on but they don’t work he opens the electric bill “two hundred and fifty” he moans “I guess I will fucking pay it tomorrow.”
Gary looks at his letters “Mobile phone bill, Gas, Council tax, income tax, national insurance, internet bill, water rates, bank charges” he reads as he is looking through the letters “fucking hell is this a joke” he cries.
“I will tell you what the problem is” he says to himself “its people like Larry and them sluts he is with claiming benefits” he stops everything and begins to think “I know what I can do” he says to himself.
“I will start a petition” Gary Thinks “I will call it Stop benefit pay outs to all non-workers.” Gary goes on his laptop and sets up the petition he signs and shares with everybody he knows.
To his surprise it only takes minutes for his petition to hit one thousand signatures within a couple of hours ten thousand and within the week one and half million.
The next day Gary is cleaning the toilets when he decides to have a cigarette break, He lights his cigarette and check the progress of his petition Gary laughs an evil laugh.
A couple of days later Gary is busy cleaning the toilets on the far right of the building when Harry bursts through the door “somebody shit in the sink in the middle ladies toilet” Harry informs Gary, Gary stops what he is doing and says “yeah, so?” Harry laughs and shouts “clean it.”
Gary starts making his way to the women’s toilets “shitting in the sink, that’s disgusting” he thinks to himself. When he walks in the toilet its worse than he imagined all three sinks were full of shit and somebody smeared “fuck you Gary” on the mirror with shit. “I might be being paranoid but I think somebody don’t like me” he says to himself before he reluctantly begin to clean up the mess. Just as he finishes his phones rings and he answers “hi this is Colin Jackson writer at the Sun and I was wondering if you would like to do an interview about your petition”
“Definitely” Gary agrees “when can we do it?” he asks. Colin tells Gary they are outside his house right now “I’m on my way” Gary tells them. Gary is about to leave when Harry walks in to the toilets “shit in the women’s sink to the left of the building” Harry informs Gary “I got a new Job” Gary declares as he storms of out of the building.
Harry gets home and invites the reporters in one of the reporters goes to shake hands with him before smelling him and backing away. “I don’t stink” Gary insists the reporters look at him “It’s just the smell of the shit I have been cleaning all morning” he explains.
“Because of you and your petition the government have stopped all benefit pay outs” the reporter tells Gary “Oh really?” Gary asks. “Are you happy and proud to have manged to do what most politician fail to do and that is make a difference” the reporter asks “yes” Gary answers. The interview carries on for an hour before the reporters begin to get ready to leave “how much do I get paid?” Gary asks. The reporters laugh “you are joking right?” he asks.
Gary begins to walk back to work when he sees Larry “can you borrow me a fiver?” Larry asks “fuck you” Gary answers “get a job” he shouts as he walks past.
Gary walks in the factory and sees that everybody is looking at him and they do not look happy “what’s wrong?” he asks “because of you my mom lost her benefits” somebody shouts “so did my sister” another woman adds “my granddaughter is being made homeless” another one adds. “Oh is that what the shit in the sink was about?” Gary asks “how immature” he adds.
Gary walks in to the toilet and they are clean “who cleaned up” he asks when he sees to new toilet cleaners walk from the women’s toilet, He begins to walk quickly to Harry’s office and bursts through the door only to see his mom performing oral sex on Harry “what are doing mom?” Gary cries “I got no benefits because of you and your smart ass idea” she cries “how else will I make money” she adds has Harry gives her five pound. “Five pound” Gary moans “that’s ridiculous” he adds Harry laughs. Can I help you? He asks, Harry explains that there are two new toilet cleaners. “Oh yes” Harry calmly says “you’re fired” he adds.
THE TRUTH ABOUT BENEFITS
It’s a Monday morning and Gary and Larry are in the Jobcentre. They are surprised when they see Harry walk through the door “what the fuck are you doing here?” Larry asks “my dad sacked me” Larry and Gary laugh at Harry’s misfortune.
Gary is just about to complain about the waiting time when he is called up. “Hello Mr Mann” the adviser says to him politely after over half an hour of interviewing Gary sits back on his chair with his hands on his head. “So you are telling me I have to wait for six weeks for my first payment?” he moans “I need food” he explains.
“Where have I seen you?” the adviser asks “I know” she adds “you started that petition to stop all benefit pay outs” Gary laughs “well this must be embarrassing” she jokes when Larry interrupts “what’s embarrassing?” he asks “has he told you about when he thought the prostitute stolen his wallet…” Gary demands Larry shuts up.
“Oh you told her about your mom being a prostitute?” he guesses again “oh shut the fuck up” Gary shouts “sorry” Larry says as he walks away.
“Do you have a C.V?” the adviser asks “no” Gary answers “I will book you an appointment with a C.V adviser for tomorrow she tells” Gary shakes his head “nah I can’t come tomorrow“ he explains “you have too” the adviser tells him “you have to come every day” she adds. Harry appears behind him and jokes “like your mom.”
Gary storms out of the jobcentre, Harry and Larry follow “what did they say?” Harry asks “six weeks, I got to wait six fucking weeks” Gary moans “you wanted them to wait 12 weeks on that petition” Larry points out.
Harry, Larry and Gary walk in to the pub “Get the drinks” Gary orders Harry “I don’t have a job” Harry answers as he orders himself a triple Vodka and Red bull “you don’t have a job but you have a disgusting fat, rich bitch as your wife and a tax avoiding millionaire as a father so I know you got money” Gary says “now get me a fucking lager” he adds.
Gary gets and looks at the jar he keeps his weed in “shit running out, I need money” he moans. Gary sits down thinking to himself “how can I make money?”
Meanwhile Harry and Larry are taking part in a drug fuelled party at Harry house “when is your wife due back” Larry asks Harry smiles “she should be gone for no more than two weeks” he announces “unless she dies or something, the fucking slut” he adds.
Gary is walking the shop when he notices Harry’s house seems busy he walks up to the front door and sees lots of bodies moving around he knocks the loudly there is no answer so he shouts “let me in you fucking pricks” when two large suited black men open the door. “What the fuck did you say?” the larger one of the two asks “nothing, I wasn’t talking to you” Gary cries “look at the little white boy now crying like a little bitch ass white boy” the suited man says when Harry walks through “let him in” Harry asks.
“What the fuck is that about?” Gary asks “They are my dad’s bodyguards” Harry answers. Gary walks up to Larry and Harry follows. Gary notices Larry snorting a huge line of Cocaine Gary looks on amazed. Larry than takes a load of cash and adds his rolled up note to it.
“What the fuck?” Gary gasps “where have you got your money from?” he asks. Larry smiles “I been doing some work” he answers “well paid work by the looks of it” Gary Responds “well I’ll have one” he adds.
Harry walks over to Larry “I have a little business proposition for you” he says quietly Gary Laughs “what’s he into?” Gary asks “nothing” Larry answers when three men sit with him. One of them shakes his hand and excitedly tells Larry “she’s dirt brother, disgusting, shameless and not badly priced just the way I like em, you know what I’m saying geezer” all three of the men begin to laugh “nasty” another one shouts Gary looks over “who’s dirt?” he asks Harry, Harry looks up “fuck knows” he answers.
Gary drinks his drink and persuades Harry to get him another one “you can fetch it” Harry insists Gary gladly does. Meanwhile two other men walk up to Larry “where do you find them?” one asks Gary turns around and looks as Larry does another line of Coke. “Where the fuck has he got his money from?” Gary asks when a stranger leans over to him and answers “pussy” Gary looks at the stranger “what?” he asks but the stranger is gone.
Gary looks at Harry “where is this pussy?” he asks as he stands up searching around the house. Harry follows as Gary walks in to Harry’s bedroom only to see his mom in bed. “What the fuck mom?” he shouts as he storms off downstairs. He quickly walks over to Larry “what do you think you are doing with my mom?” he angrily asks.
Larry backs off saying “calm down” when one of the men shouts “that’s your mom? She’s a legend” a few of the men with Larry cheer.
Gary stops and thinks about it as people all over the bar begin telling stories of Gary’s mom.
Larry walks up to Gary and apologizes “I just needed the money not having any benefits” he explains “just shut the fuck up and take her mom” Gary tells Larry and give me hundred quid. Larry reluctantly hands Gary one hundred pound Gary sees Larry still has plenty “I want half” Larry hands over two thousand pound “what the fuck?” Gary gasps “actually I want it all” he adds “they still owe us and so do they” Larry explains as he gives Gary another two thousand pound.
“Now take her home” Gary demands giving Larry fifty pound “I will give you more when I know she is home safety” he adds.
Gary sits next to Harry “I bet you’re pissed” Harry says, Gary smiles “no they think my mom is a legend and I guess that counts for something” Gary answers “a legendary slut” Harry jokes. Gary rolls his eyes and stands up “I’m going to collect her debt” he says as he walks over to three suited men.
“You owe twelve hundred for the room, drugs and whore” Gary explains “I want to speak to the main man” one of the men says “that’s me” Gary insists. “You’re in control of all this” the man asks “yes” Gary says as he flashes the money “You’re under arrest for procuring the services of Miss Mann and for supplying class A substances” Gary laughs “she’s my mom” he explains.
“That just makes your crime all the worse” one of the police officers explains as he puts the handcuffs on to Gary.
After hours of questioning Gary is about to be released after being held by the police for the night. The police begin to hand him back his possessions “a watch, cigarettes, a wallet containing about sixty five pound” the police officers reads “and I think that’s all” he continues. Gary laughs “what about the money?” he asks. The police officers look at him “what money?” one asks “the money you taken from me?” Gary asks “oh” the police officer says suggesting that he remembered “the drug money” he answers. Gary thinks quickly “that was not drug money” he explains. “Where did it come from?” the officer asks Gary looks around the busy police station “it’s my mom’s” he explains “well we will drop it off with her later” the police officer explains.
The next day and Gary is sitting in the Jobcentre waiting for his chance to explain why he has missed appointments. “Gary Mann” the adviser shouts Gary walks up and takes his seat.
“I see you have a sanction on your benefits due to missing appointments” his adviser tells him “I was arrested and therefore unable to make the appointments” Gary explains “Do you have any proof of that?” his adviser asks. Gary pulls out the paper work that the police gave him and hands it to the adviser.
“Arrested for procuring your own mother for sex” his adviser reads loudly in shock “be quite” Gary orders but it’s too late and everybody in the Jobcentre is now looking at him.
“It’s not as bad as it sounds” Gary loudly explains to everybody. Everybody in the jobcentre looks at him waiting for him to explain. Gary turns round and looks at his adviser “just stop the sanction please” Gary asks he looks around as everybody seems to be watching him and he quickly begins to walk out “make sure you are here at twelve o clock tomorrow” the adviser tells Gary “what for?” Gary asks “tomorrow you have a lesson on how to present yourself at job interviews, Thursday you have a lesson on how to use job searching websites and Friday you have a lesson on personal hygiene.”
Gary looks at his adviser “you’re fucking loving this” he angrily says “loving what?” she answers “loving watching us jump through hoops” he explains “and for what? One Hundred and twenty quid a week, If I’m lucky and that has to cover the cost of my rent” he adds.
He walks to the exit and is about to walk out when he turns around to say one more thing. To his surprise everybody is still looking at him “our MPs have been caught claiming seventy five pound for a fucking breakfast” he cries “yet when I attempt to claim anything it’s like trying to get blood out of a stone” he angrily adds.
He looks up at everybody is looking at him “what the fuck are you all looking at?” he cries “you got jobs to do get back to fucking work” he adds before storming out.
Gary gets back home “I need a way to make some fast money” he thinks out loudly when Harry knocks the door and Gary goes and opens it “do you want a way to make some fast money?” he asks, Gary sits down and asks “what do you need doing?” Harry begins to explain.
“There is a factory on Apple lane industrial estate that distributes electrical goods PlayStations, Xboxes and that kind of shit, I need you to help me unload a couple of pallets” Harry explains “fuck that” Gary gasps “I am not robbing a factory” he insists. Harry puts his hands in his pocket and shows Gary his money “this is five thousand pound I will pay you twice that for this job” Harry says as he puts the money back in to his pocket. Gary wants to say no but he knows he need the money and agrees to do the job.
It’s nearly midnight and Harry comes and picks up Gary when Gary gets in the van he sees Larry “what you bring this dickhead with you for?” Gary asks “Hello” Larry politely replies.
Harry pulls up outside “I will park as close as I can” he says as he parks up. After he has parked he sits in the van “do you see those pallets behind us?” he says to Larry and Gary “yeah” Gary answers “load them on to the van” Gary laughs “you are joking?” he asks. “Somebody will see us” Gary insists “I have paid the security guards to take a break” Harry explains “now hurry the fuck up” Harry demands. Larry and Gary begin to load the pallets on to the van.
They finish loading the van and shut the door when Larry sees a security guard walking over “take another five minute break” he asks, Harry begins hears the conversation. Noticing the back door is shut Harry starts the van “fuck them” he shouts as he speeds off. Gary watches in amazement.
The security grab restrain Gary and Larry and call the police. It only takes the police five minutes to get to the scene; Gary is making signs at Larry. He is trying to say run when I say run and after wasting time trying to work out Gary’s sign language Gary shouts “run.”
Gary begins to run as fast as he can while Larry stands there watching. The police officer pulls out his taser and shouts “freeze” Gary continues running so the officer tasers Gary.
Gary falls to the floor “help” he cries the officers begin to walk over to assist him “I shit myself again” Gary cries, Larry laughs.
“Arrested for procuring your own mother for sex and now stealing electrical goods” the police officer says loudly and security guards look at Gary “it’s not what it sounds like” Gary explains before the police officers drag him to the police van “I was simply collecting her debt” Gary further explains as the police put him in the van and shut the door.
The police begin to drive with Larry and Gary sitting in the van “you fucking stink” Larry moans as he looks at Gary “well I have shit myself” Garry explains. “What is your problem with shitting yourself?” Larry asks Gary “I was tasered!” I couldn’t help it Gary answers as he looks at the police officers. “I thought it might have something to do with all that cock you have been having up the arse” Larry says to Gary.
One of the police officers glance over “what, what are you talking about?” Gary asks “what cock? I’m not gay” Gary insists looking at the police officers.
“I thought that male prostitute you fell in love with might have given you some……” is about to continue when Gary turns around and says “just the fuck shut up.”
Two days later Harry and Larry are sitting at Harry’s mansion when Gary knocks the door. “Where’s my money?” Gary asks “They let you go?” Harry laughs “how did you get out of that?” he asks as he hands Gary ten thousand pounds. “I played it cool and I fooled them” Gary insists “me too” Larry adds.
A servant walks in to the room Gary and Larry look at each other “this is the DVD you requested sir” the servant says to Harry before leaving the room. “How long have you had servants for?” Gary asks “Since I was born” Harry answers as he puts the DVD in the DVD player. “Yeah those police though I blinded them with science” Gary brags “I used the truth when I needed to and lied through the rest of it” he continues.
Harry presses play on the DVD player and they all turn around and look. Its Larry’s police interview “how the fuck did you get that?” Larry asks “I’m rich” Harry answers “I can get anything I want” he adds.
They watch Larry’s interview and like he said he played it cool “yeah, I wanted to help my friend’s mom” he explains “she is a whore that needs the money and this was like a charity job to stop her and her son living through this nightmare” he adds. Gary looks at Larry “you’re a fucking prick you know” he snarls.
Gary’s interview is about to start when Gary demands they do not watch it “I forbid you to watch that” he demands “oh shut up” Larry insist as the interview starts. “I must say you look cool, calm and collected” Harry says as he lights up a huge spliff.
“Is your wife OK with you smoking that in here?” Gary asks “fuck my wife” Harry snarls “I fucking hate that bitch and I hope she dies and when she is dead I hope Satan kills here again and again and again” he adds before he hears a cough “hello darling” Harry says as he gets up to aid his wife “how long you been standing there for?” he adds. His wife looks at him and calmly says “just fuck off you spineless little freak” before leaving the room.
Harry looks at the TV only to see Gary now crying “I did it for my mommy” he cries “I want my mommy he adds” Harry looks at Gary and says “you really are the most pathetic piece of shit I have ever seen” Gary looks at the floor with embarrassment.
They sit down and Harry lights up the spliff and passes it to Gary “that shit is mad” Gary says after just one puff he takes another “where the fuck did you get that skunk?” Gary asks Harry “I’m rich I can get anything” Harry answers.
Gary sits back by now he is high and relaxed “I have learned a lot of important lesions in the last few months” he says. Larry looks at Harry and then at Gary “What lessons have you learned?” Larry asks. Gary begins to think “I forgot” he answers.