DISCLAIMER Nobody in this story is real or based on real people.
Its seven days before the general election and Theresa May and her adviser Nick are in a limousine on the way to a public rally. “I think the party should have definitely considered my fun tax idea” Theresa mutters to Nick while she is reading the manifesto. “Well it was either the Fun tax or the death tax” Nick replies “you can’t have everything your own way” he adds. Sssssssss Theresa hisses “stop that” Nick tells her you have a rally it’s time to pretend to be nice. “Yes got to be nice for the plebs” Theresa moans.
They drive through a ghetto and Theresa May looks around surprised “it amazing that people live like this, “this place is horrible” she explains. “I want all funding to this area stopped with immediate effect” Theresa demands “I will make a note” Nick answers. “In fact knock it down” Theresa decides Nick looks up at her “knock it down?” he repeats “where will the people go people have children?” he adds. Theresa nearly vomits “do not say the C word” she asks.
They pull up at their destination only to see a huge crowd of people “they love me” Theresa announces “I knew they would love me” she proudly adds. “They’re Corbyn supporters your supporters are the over there” Nick explains. Ssssssss hisses Theresa as she sees about twenty people waiting for her.
She walks over to her audience “remember to be nice” Nick reminds her. “They cut the children’s hospital” one of the local residents moan, Nick looks at Theresa as she attempt to holdback being sick “after an independent enquiry by us it was decided that funding for that particular project was cut and deemed unnecessary” Nick interrupts, Theresa regains her composure.
Theresa May approaches a suited man “you have done this nation a great duty” he says as he grabs her hand “thank you” Theresa replies as she takes her hand back and begins to clean them with anti-bacterial wipes. After twenty minutes of talking Theresa walks up to Nick and begins to complain “Oh these people make me sick” she moans before seeing a camera pointing at her.
“The Conservative government will be forced to implement further cuts in to your areas facilities after all we are now in this together” she states to the camera.
Meanwhile Boris Johnson is being interviewed on the television “I’m here with Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs Boris Johnson” the reporter announces, the interview begins and all is going pretty well for Boris Johnson until somebody in the audience brings up the subject of foodbanks. “I I I I I I think the thing is with foodbanks” he rambles “is it’s a stupid name isn’t it?” the reporter looks at Boris confused “well you can’t eat banks can you? The name implies that they are banks made of food but it is not even a bank, is it?” Boris asks.
It gets worse for Boris when somebody in the audience asks “do you think they war on terror is working and is killing civilians ever acceptable?” Boris grabs his tie and loosens it a bit “they are extremists out there that want us dead” he explains calmly “I think they only way we can deal with these extremists is kill them” he rambles on.
Richard is Boris Johnson’s adviser he is watching and hoping that Boris handles the questions without exposing his stupidity.
The Interview has finished and Richard and Boris have gone back to their office. They are sitting in their office discussing their plan for promoting the party through the election. “I think we should go on a fox hunt” Boris declares “It’s illegal” Richard answers “but but but they foxes roughed up my cat” Boris explains. Richard looks at Boris as he plays with his toy cat he shakes his head and begins writing.
Meanwhile the Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond is sitting in his dark, gloomy and dull house “Susan” he shouts in his deep gloomy voice “where’s my cup of tea, Susan” he adds as he awkwardly walks around his house.
Susan is in the kitchen making his tea but the noise of the washing machine covers up her husband’s groans. She turns around holding the tea on a tray only to see big evil, dark looking eyes looking over at her she panics and grabs the first thing that she comes across which is a wooden rolling pin and attacks the strange dark creature with.
“Ouch” Philip cries “what the fuck do you think you are playing at” he adds in his angry, deep dark voice. Susan cries “I’m sorry Philip but I thought that you were some kind of vampire or something” she explains. Philip grabs his cup of tea and storms off out the room moaning on his way “idiots” he shouts “I am surrounded by idiots” he angrily adds in his deep dark voice as he leaves the room.
He walks in his office still holding his head, he is about to sit down when something on the television catches “according to latest estimates at least seven have died in and attack coordinated by ISIS” the news explains. Hammond smiles “good” he says to himself has he rubs his hands “this attack will give me the green light to attack more of the Middle East and take their gold and resources” he adds before laughing a dark and twisted laugh “muhahahaha” he laughs until a the handle of a broom smashes against his face. He looks up angrily only to see his wife holding the broom “I’m so sorry” she declares “I did it again” she adds as she walks off.
Theresa, Boris and Philip are now all getting ready for the Conservative conference tonight “don’t forget to be nice” Nick whispers to Theresa “I am always nice” she hisses at him, Nick looks at her and then back to the documents he is reading “we should address some very important issues tonight” Boris rambles as he pours himself a drink “I am sick of everybody talking about poverty, welfare, the lack of decent houses and exploitation, I want to talk about fox hunting so I can get revenge for my cat” he adds as he strokes his toy cat.
Richard snatches the cat from Boris “I told you not to be seen in public with this” he angrily shouts Boris is upset.
David Cameron walks in to the room with them and approaches Theresa May “good luck” he says as he walks past. He then stops and walks to Nick “can’t you stop her from doing that?” he asks. Nick looks at Theresa only to see her masturbating “THERESA” he shouts “what have I told you about doing that in public” he angrily adds “do you want to lose this election?”
Boris begins to laugh and ramble “looks like I’m not the only one that likes playing with my pussy” he jokes among a series of groans and moans. Richard looks at Nick “how the fuck are we meant to make these people appear human?” he asks. Richard looks at Boris and Theresa “maybe we should cause a diversion take the attention from them” he says.
Theresa May is walking to the stage ready to give her speech “be nice” Nick advises as she walks in front of him. She stops walking and looks at Nick “If you tell me to be fucking nice again I will fucking kill you, I am always fucking nice” she shouts loudly Nick looks around to make sure nobody seen the incident to his relief only one person did. “Now, where was I?” Theresa asks before walking onto the stage.
Theresa May gives the speech and the Conservative crowd applaud loudly. She walks from the stage calmly and out of sight of the audience before running over to a bin and puking in it. “That was horrible” she gasps as she breathes heavily “all this being nice will be the death of me” she adds as she walks to her dressing room.
“Time to go home” Theresa says excitedly as she puts on her coat “you can’t go yet” Nick informs Theresa “you have to go and speak to some voters” he adds. Theresa looks angry “I hate voters” she insists.
Theresa suddenly jumps as if startling by something “what is that horrible thing over there” she asks. Nick looks up “it’s your reflection” he answers as he sees a huge mirror “not that” Theresa answers angrily “the slimy horrible thing that keeps looking at me?” she asks again. Nick looks up again “It’s your reflection” he repeats “move it at once whatever it is” Theresa asks “move the mirror?” Nick asks back “yes I think it’s broke” Theresa orders. So Nick moves the mirror.
Theresa makes her way to see the voters “are these all conservative voters” she asks, Nick looks up “no” he answers “I’m guessing there will be Conservative voters here but not everybody here will be a conservative voter” Theresa rolls her eyes “peasants” she mutters to herself. Nick is about to remind Theresa to be nice but remembers her telling him not too and decides he best not.
Boris Johnson is on the stage “a vote for Conservative is a vote for freedom and fairness that’s why I am announcing my support to bring back fox hunting, it’s about fairness and freedom” he tells the audience. Richard is watching him when Nick walks past “does he think the microphone is on?” Nick asks, Richard laughs “yeah well it keeps him busy and gives me a break” Richard answers.
George Osborne and David Cameron approach Boris “did you hear my speech? Boris rambles, suddenly Richard jumps in front of David and George “humour him” he whispers as Boris asks David again “did you hear my speech?” David smiles and says “yes it was very good Boris, well done” Boris smiles proudly.
“Yes Boris it was moving” George adds in an attempt to mock Boris. Boris runs away from George and hides behind Richard “his breath smells like a pigs behind” he rambles. George laughs and looks at David “it does not smell, does it?” he asks David is instantly sickened by George’s breath “just kindly do not face me” David asks “ever again” he adds. George looks at Boris and smiles “I do not smell like a pigs behind because if I did Dave would like me” he brags.
George looks up and sees Theresa approaching in the distance she is with Nick “when you walk it looks like you are slithering” Nick explains “slithering like a cold hearted snake” he adds. Theresa looks at Nick and Nick stops talking “something to work on” he says and he rubs his hands together.
Theresa sees George walking over to her “do not face me or let your breath come anywhere near me you overpaid, useless delinquent” Theresa demands as she stops walking.
“What do you want?” she asks “why are you not at work making sure only nice stories get published about me?” she adds. There is no answer from George as George is too busy staring at Theresa’s cleavage, Theresa notices this and storms off. George eventually finds himself again “what happened” he asks himself as Theresa has vanished.
Theresa walks in to a big room with her adviser Nick, Nick reminds Theresa that the TV cameras are here and advises Theresa to “stay calm and polite at all times.” Theresa begins to walk through the crowd of people shaking hands with some. Boris follows her rambling incomprehensible nonsense behind. Boris is also shaking people’s hands. Nick looks and Richard and whispers “it’s not actually going as bad as I thought it might” Richard looks at Boris and Theresa engaging with the audience.
Suddenly from the audience an old lady approaches Theresa “my son is suffering from Cancer” she explains. Theresa looks around for Nick but cannot see him anywhere “he has had is disability allowance cut as well as his housing benefit and is now in huge debt, the cuts of this government are literally killing people” she adds when in the distance Nick sees Theresa is starting to look stressed and annoyed.
Theresa begins to explain “Britain’s deficit is the highest it has ever been, previous governments have over spent and over spent and now Britain must do the fair and responsible thing and pay it back” the old lady smiles and answers “so paying back the bankers and blowing up the Middle East is more important than looking after people?” she asks. Theresa twitches and this startles the old lady. Boris looks at Theresa and says “oh no” Nick rushes over as quickly as he can but it’s too late.
Suddenly Theresa lashes out at the old lady and scratches her with her claws. Nick tries to cause a distraction by shouting “there’s a terrorist in the building” and his plan works. Theresa suddenly and quickly grows a huge set of fangs and bites the old lady’s neck taking out a huge chunk. The old lady drops to the floor
Theresa is not finished as she then begins an attack on a different member of the audience. Nick notices the cameraman is about to film her so he shouts to Boris “dance Boris.”
Boris suddenly begins to dance and gets the attention of the cameraman. The cameraman films Boris dancing for ten minutes as Boris puts together a dance routine while Nick sneaks up to Theresa.
He pulls a needle out of his pocket and creeps up behind her. By now Theresa is sucking blood out of one of her dead victims. Nick quickly injects the needle in to her neck and it causes Theresa to instantly fall asleep.
Nick catches her to prevent her from hitting her head when she falls and takes her to the car trying to avoid any cameras or attention as Theresa is covered in blood.
After he has put Theresa in the car he re-enters the room. By now police are everywhere and Boris has finished dancing. “Good work Boris” Nick says as he walks past Boris and up to the police “I think it was some kind of terrorist attack” Nick tells the police. The police officer looks at the bodies and the mess.